Sith Jammies Review: Fate of the Jedi: Ascension

Fate of the Jedi: Ascension, by Christie Golden
Or better yet: Why on Earth was this allowed in?

Jammies: (sounding resigned) Well, let’s get down to it; this book is a joke. A very BAD joke. Why? Let me give you a quick run down of questions I found myself asking.

1. What happened to the Lost Tribe? Aren’t they supposed to be Sith?
2. Vestara Khai must have a split personality. It’s the only explaination.
3. Since when did Ben have abusive traits?
4. My favorite… Luke Skywalker; overpowered bully.
5. Hey! I was interested in that character, why are they dying?

Taking these points, let’s feed them into the fact muncher that NBC uses to determine new sitcoms and see what happens. (beeping and computer sounds followed by R2D2’s WOOOOOOWW sound) Ah, here it is. Actually this makes perfect sense.
I’ll start with the cast list;

Abeloth: Head Cheer-leader
Allano Solo: Annoying Kid Sister
Ben Skywalker: Jock
Darish Vol: Chess Club President
Dirkl Lecersen: Debate Team President
Han Solo: Clueless Dad
Heydaat Treen: B*tch
Ivaar Workan: Random Plot Device
Jagged Fel: Tool
Jaina Solo: Nice Goth Chick
Leia Organa Solo: Smart but Powerless Mom
Luke Skywalker: Bully/Tool
Padnel Ovin: Token Black Guy
Saba Sebatyne: Gym Teacher
Tahiri Veila: Scary Goth Chick
Vestara Khai: Emo Chick
Wynn Dorvan: Principal

Jammies: (Imitating a bad southern drawl) What we have here, ladies and gents, is a high school drama.
(Normally) It’s no joke either, especially when we come to Abeloth’s character. Let me quote some descriptions from the book. (Clears throat)
“She has a compulsion to surround herself with people.”
“All her power comes from her ability to make people adore her while she selfishly grabs power for herself.”
Let’s not forget the title she chose for herself: The Beloved Queen of the Stars.
And her goal? Abeloth, sweetie, would you mind stating it for the record please?

Abeloth: (Typical valley girl but grown up) First, Chief of State. Second, Beloved Queen of the Stars, (giggles) and finally what is my rightful due.

Jammies: (Sounding interested) Fascinating! And what is your due?

Abeloth: Goddes, DUH!

Jammies: How wonderful! Here, have a cookie. Off you go.

Abeloth: (Squees, then fading nom nom nom sounds)

Jammies: Abeloth, everybody! Giver her a hand! (Audience applause and cheering)
Next on my target, erm, guest, list is Vestara Khai. Vestara, will you come over here please?

Vestara: (Cranky) What do you want?

Jammies: Just to chat a moment. Can you tell me how you feel about Ben?

Vestara: (Unsure) Well… he’s everything to me. I’d kill to be with him.

Jammies: Even if it means becoming a Jedi?

Vestara: (Astonished/mad) Becoming a Jedi goes against everything I was raised to believe and practice!

Jammies: (Leading) So… you’d rather stay a part of the Lost tribe and not be with Ben.

Vestara: No!

Jammies: Then you want to be a Jedi?

Vestara: (Exasperated sigh) I just want to be with Ben.

Jammies: Even though it would mean turning your back on everything you’ve ever done in your life?

Vestara: (Emo breakdown) You just don’t understand me! I’m complicated!

Jammies: (Tolerant) No, your character was just messed up. Aren’t you supposed to be spying on the Jedi?

Vestara: (Slightly confused sounding) I… think so. But what about my relationship with Ben? I don’t think I can get away from that.

Jammies: (Consoling) I don’t think you’re supposed to at this point. Look at Jaina and Jag, writers milked that ‘what if’ for a loooooooong time. It’s not exactly a bad thing though.

Vestara: I… guess. Can we change the subject? Please?

Jammies: Alright. Do you feel like talking about your dad?

Vestara: (Snide) Let’s face it, I don’t even know what happened there.

Jammies: Agreed, not a whole lot of people do. Is there anything you’d like to talk about?

Vestara: No. Can I go now?

Jammies: Yes, thank you.

Vestara: Whatever.

Jammies: Among other characters that received similar treatment was Luke Skywalker. In ascension he has two modes: being a joke or being a big stick to smite enemies with. There’s no middle ground of any sort. Powerless against teenage love, yet it’s no problem to protect several people from what amounts to a nuke. It’s shameful what’s been done to these characters!

Christie, have you even READ the other books in the series? Where’s the consistency? And please don’t give me that crap about how great a writer you are. In some God-forsaken way it might be good that you’re writing according to your vision, but next time just write your OWN series if you’re going to change EVERYTHING about an established character. I’m serious here when I say I’m thinking half the characters are bi-polar!
-End Rant-

When reading Ascension be sure to not get attached to any new character, especially if they happen to be female, because in most cases they’re just plot devices. They’re either killed off or just say ‘exit, stage right!’ and are never heard from again.

Our dear Christie must have something against powerful female characters (especially Jedi) because the only one I found passably written was a spiteful Daala. Everyone else, yeaaaahhh, tough and better luck next book.

At first, I thought I was liking the book. Then, disappointment. All the characters changed, leaving a steaming pile of Bantha poodu. Now, it’s just a sun baked piece of crud in the form of words.
In my viewpoint, skip this book. You won’t miss it and you’ll be doing yourself a favor.


One thought on “Sith Jammies Review: Fate of the Jedi: Ascension

  1. Pingback: Review of Star Wars: Fate of the Jedi: Apocalypse | Zombies Vampires and other Freaks

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