Horror In Our Time: Troll 3 (Contimation .7, The Crawlers, Creepers)

Once upon a time, a film that had nothing to do with a film that had nothing to do with the film it was a sequel of was given four names, one of which it shared with another film. An internet cult film sensation was born: From Contamination .7 came the name the film actually calls itself by, The Crawlers, from whence came the indubitable Troll 3. Oh wait, IMDb calls it Creepers.

The funny thing about this movie is, whatever else it gets wrong, had the writers had any intention while writing it, this movie could have been a very good Troll 3. Think about it: in Troll, Torok turns his victims into living plants. In Troll 2, the Goblins turned their victims into living plants (with the intention of eating them). In Troll 3, living plants start killing people. Sure, there was some BS story about an embezzler, but that plot was extremely weak and really just an excuse for the plants to kill people. On the other hand, if the manager of the power plant was actually a troll or a goblin in disguise, not only would the movie have made much more sense on all fronts, but it would have been an epic sequel that connected these two movies. This is a perfect example of where fan explanations can make a movie that much better. There really ought to be more Troll 3 fan fiction.

Did I just say… Troll3… fan fiction? I… am I all right?

When you get past what this movie could have been, there’s not too much to look at here. I think it says something on its own when I say that the sequel to Troll 2 loses points by being full of missed opportunities. It’s like if another Highlander sequel was released and fans agreed that the best thing it could have done, given its premise, was incorporate Zeist into the plot, but it failed to do even that.

Contamination .7 is about a small town that experiences the surrounding woods come to life and begin to kill its inhabitants. Don’t worry, it’s not as exciting as you think. Much of the film consists of dialogue that would make up a poorly produced, unfunny sitcom, except that the sitcom would likely have better actors. Nowhere is this terrible acting more evident than in the villains, which make you think they’re reading cue cards you can barely make out every time they speak. Really, the best actor in the film played the town prostitute; largely because she was playing a character who spent all of her time bitching and didn’t give much of a fuck (no pun intended).

Normally at this point I would tell you a little bit about the plot. The thing is, listening to these characters is so uninteresting that I really don’t have much to say about them. A few characters talk, they go their separate ways and one of them dies while running from an attempted rapist (one point for the movie for making the victim sympathetic, but take that point away for making the most notable traits for female characters “ran away from an engagement once” and “died while avoiding being raped”). The character who doesn’t die meets up with a character she used to be engaged to, and they’re a thing for the rest of the movie, because I guess there’s either no hard feelings, or nothing else to do in this town (the latter of which is sort of implied). I have a feeling the characters in this movie are the sort that fuck their cousins between dates, anyway.

Anyway, the living characters find the dead character and mention it to Terribly Acting Sheriff. We later discover that Terribly Acting Sheriff works for Stupid Power Plant Manager, who spends most of the movie berating Kinda Smart Drunk Guy. Another Character joins them, and Another Character’s presence seems to cause the plot to move forward even though Another Character doesn’t seem to do much that I can tell. The most notable scenes are when people are being killed by vines (after vine POV shots) and even those get old fairly early, especially since the black-and-white-for-some-reason dog killing.

Eventually, the cast just decides on a way that they think will solve the problem, and follow through with it effortlessly. Rather than spoiling what you’d think would be the biggest plot movement, I’ll just tell you that putting shit under your bed does not a clean room make.

So that’s Contamination .7. That’s The Creepers. That’s Crawlers. That’s… not all there is to Troll 3, because Joe D’Amato couldn’t leave well enough alone. But the movie I’ve reviewed here is mediocre if you’re a fan and pretty bad if you’re not. There are worse movies, but the utter lack of enjoyable cheese, horror or excitement coupled with the lack of anything that would make a movie “good” makes this movie something you should only watch if you want to write… Troll fan fiction.

Don’t judge me.

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