Horrifying Musings of the Fourth Kind: Splice

When two scientists create a near-human being with its own personality, things soon go awry when it gets too much of a personality and starts making complications for its human “parents”.

*sighs* No… I couldn’t have chosen to review The Mist instead of Splice. I wanted to pick something bad, to show people that no, not every horror movie I review is a good one. Christ.

I like Adrien Brody. He has a certain coolness to him that, even if you can’t really pinpoint what exactly it is, you know is there regardless. But even his presence wasn’t enough to save the trainwreck that was Splice. Since I’m mentioning him, though, I suppose it’s only logical to go into the acting of the film first, which was really just terrible – even from Mr. Predator Badass himself, who’s usually a very solid actor. Starring alongside him, of course, was Sarah Polley – recognize her name? Yeah, I’ll bet not many people do. To jog your memory, though, just think back to my Dawn of the Dead review. Yep, it’s all coming back now, isn’t it? She was the main actress in the movie where I criticized her as a wooden and lifeless actress, so was she any better in Splice? Well… sort of. Whereas in DotD she had mastered no facial expressions, in Splice she’s mastered exactly one: bitch. In other words, her acting capacity in this movie ranged from asshole to wooden… asshole to wooden… asshole to wooden. I guess one could consider that “better”, but it didn’t really feel that much better while watching this movie.

Of course, considering her character was a bitch for the majority of the film maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Yes, that’s another thing that definitely isn’t in Splice‘s favor; the characters. God, were the people in this movie stupid. Just think about the premise for the whole film; two people creating a freak of nature (that was never even supposed to exist) and keeping it as a daughter/pet. I could say the main two characters were morons, but I think you already know this just from that small snippet. Really, the whole plot, no matter how it was executed, could never have been any good at all. But with the way Splice chose to do it? LOL, guys. LOL. There were enough obvious plotholes that it quickly went into laughable territory (hiding the creature in plain sight doesn’t quite work in a situation like this, guys).

But I just realized how distracted I got from my original point – the characters. Oh, Splice… There’s too much badness to cover without getting lost in it. I’M DROWNING. Neither of the two main characters in this movie were all that enjoyable; Adrien Brody was just consistently moronic, and Sarah Polley, like I touched on before, was so much of a bitch (on top of the whole “stupid” thing, let’s not forget about that) that I could never actually enjoy her character. Yes, she can treat the poor creature she helped create (I haven’t mentioned that its name was Dren yet, have I? Well… That’s the name) like utter crap – take away the only things it loves, its right to go outside a small barn for sunlight and food (don’t look at me like that, I mean things like rabbits, not humans. At least, not the good humans), CUT OFF ITS TAIL because she’s in a pissy mood – and we’re supposed to look at her as our main protagonist? Um. Right.

Honestly, the only character I actually enjoyed occasionally – at least, the best one out of the whole bunch – was Dren itself (herself? Himself? I don’t know; you’ll see). It was actually a bit sad with how much you could tell she wanted to be completely human, but of course, she couldn’t. This was actually the best part of Splice in general; the creature. She looked pretty decent, evoked more of an emotional response from you than the rest of the movie combined, and was just a little interesting (yes, something that can be described as “a little interesting” was the best part of the whole film. I’m just trying to find the rare positives of Splice here, folks).

I haven’t even gone into how creepy this film can be yet. Oh boy. And no, unfortunately that’s not a good, “horror” creepy; it’s uncomfortable creepy. Augh. All right, which one should I go into first – Dren raping Sarah Polley with its tail or Adrien Brody having consensual sex with it after having the excessive hots for Dren for awhile. Hmmm. *tosses coin* Ah ha, Adrien Brody it is! I honestly don’t even need to go into why this is creepy in every way. Yes, it may be every nerd’s fantasy to have sex with a hot alien (which Dren basically was) but this was taking that fantasy just a tad too far. And the rape, well… I could say “WTF” to that, but I suppose there comes a point where I should probably stop using internet slang to convey my feelings about Splice.

Is Splice the worst movie ever made? Well, no. But it’s still really, really bad. The acting sucks, the characters are unlikable, the story is an utter trainwreck and I consistently felt the need to take a shower while watching it. The best thing about it was the creature, Dren, but it wasn’t nearly enough to save this film.

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